


I'm Willing to Try

by writershapeholeonthedoor



Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Awkward Romance, Cute, Declarations Of Love, F/F, Feelings, Idiots in Love, Love, Love Confessions, Romance, Shaw doesn't know what love is, but she's willing to try, dealing with FEELINGS
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 02:14:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22536085
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writershapeholeonthedoor/pseuds/writershapeholeonthedoor
Summary: "Birds, Sameen. I’m talking about a goddamn fucking bird. I’m asking you to be as civilized as a goddam fucking bird.""I’m willing to try. Okay, is that not enough? I’m willing to try something that doesn’t come naturally to me, and that I don’t understand but I’m willing to try."OrThe Shoot one-shot fic inspired by the Sharmen scene in The L Word I saw on Tumblr
Relationships: Root | Samantha Groves/Sameen Shaw
Comments: 4
Kudos: 58





	I'm Willing to Try

**Author's Note:**

> I saw two posts on Tumblr, suggesting a fic where the conversation Shane and Carmen had about monogamy happened between Shaw and Root, so I decided to write it. It isn't exactly about monogamy, it's more about Shaw's own difficulties, but it is pretty much inspired by that scene and others! I will link both posts down bellow
> 
> English is NOT my first language, and I DON'T have a beta, so please forgive any mistakes.
> 
> Also, go follow me on Tumblr, @writershapeholeonthedoor, for more content.

Post by [@pipechan](https://pipechan.tumblr.com/post/117008678468)

Post by [@quase-authentic](https://quasi-authentic.tumblr.com/post/131518555162/i-want-a-root-fanfic-that-is-basically-a-rewriting)

* * *

"Hey, where were you?"

Shaw did a double-take before dropping her keys into the side table. Pondering how to reply, she took a few moments to take her leather jacket off.

"Do I have to answer that?" she finally said. Her voice was neutral but was hiding a bite behind it that was clear for anyone.

"Just asking. I bought us pizza to celebrate." Root's voice didn't change, even with Shaw's slightly rude reply. It wasn't uncommon. She was usually unaffected by Shaw's moods.

With a frown and a deep sigh, Shaw made her way to the kitchen, to where Root promptly followed her to. "Celebrate what?"

"Oh, sweetie, our anniversary!" Her voice was cheerful, gleeful really, as she watched Shaw walking around the room to open the fridge to grab a beer for herself. If the smaller woman turned around and paid attention, she would see the hacker's eyes shinning bright for having her there.

Shaw scoffed around her bottle. "Don't be ridiculous, Root. This is nonsense," the reply was emphasized by her waving the bottle around to show the table.

Root had taken some time with it. The small table, four places only and they only had three chairs, was hidden under a red tablecloth. There were two plates, one on each side, followed by a fork and knife, a glass and a napkin. There was also a candle in front of every plate and, right in the middle, there was a pizza box - giant size - with a flower arrangement on top of it.

"Look," the hacker started, already raising her hands to motion for Shaw to wait.

Which she didn't, of course. "No, I mean it. Celebrate whatever you think we have is stupid, so I will just grab my pizza and I will watch TV." In the middle of her rambling, Shaw walked to the table and almost snapped the flowers to the floor on her rush to open the box, only to struggle to open the damn thing and have to put her bottle down.

"Of course," Root nodded while talking, not sounding so thrilled anymore. She sounded, and looked, quite defeated.

"Great. Did you glued this fucking box?" Shaw grimace was clear while she fought to reach her pizza. After another failed attempt, she pushed the box away and crossed her arms.

Root didn't even blink when she took a step closer and opened the box as easily as she was breathing. If Shaw would pay attention, she would have realized that Root's voice was too calm. "Do you want sausage or fucking pepperoni?" By the end, she wasn't so calm anymore. She shouted the last couple of words while grabbing a random slice - it was pepperoni. Before the former marine could react, she threw it across the table, hitting her right in the shoulder.

Shaw jumped three feet in the air and walked back until she hit the counter behind her. "Root, what the fuck?!" She shouted angrily back, looking at the red stain on her skin and back at the other woman like she couldn't possibly understand what just happened.

"I just wanted to celebrate with you, Sameen," said the hacker after crossing her arms. She was mad, she was really really mad and Shaw couldn't remember a time where she ever witnessed the hacker losing her cool. "Why is it so hard for you to be nice about it?"

"I hope you're not waiting for me to answer that," Shaw growled. "And celebrate what exactly, Root?"

"It's been a year since Samaritan," the hacker replied like it was obvious. "It's our first anniversary."

"Fuck's sake, Root." Rolling her eyes, Shaw grabbed her beer again and started walking away. She needed to get away before things got out of hand, she knew it. "We don't have an anniversary, so just drop this bullshit, okay?"

Shaw didn't look back to see Root's reaction while she marched to the small balcony that gave her a view to the alley behind the building. If she was going, to be honest, she was afraid that her outburst must have crossed the last line with Root and she didn't want to see it displayed on her face, so she was just going to pretend she was alone. Heartbroken looks can be difficult to erase from your mind, after all.

She leaned on the rusted grid with her forearms and looked up at the night sky while taking a sip of her beer. She fucked up.

* * *

"Hey, look at that! Long time relationship commitments are common among birds!" Root's voice scared the shit out of her since she didn't hear her coming, but Shaw made a good job to hide her surprise while faking annoyance.

"That's great 'cus I love birds," she replied in a bored tone while staring at her empty bottle for a second. She finished her beer an hour ago, but she wasn't brave enough to walk back inside to grab another one.

Shaw heard a thud behind her, so she turned her head to be able to see over her shoulder. Root was holding her laptop on her hands, which the assassin assumed was from where the thud came from. "Birds, Sameen. I'm talking about a goddamn fucking bird. I'm asking you to be as civilized as a goddamn fucking bird." She was still mad.

Shaw didn't know what to do with that. She has dealt with a lot of versions of Root, but never that. Root wasn't the type to get mad, she wasn't the type to curse either.

"I'm willing to try. Okay, is that not enough?" Shaw sighed heavily. "I'm willing to try something that doesn't come naturally for me, and that I don't understand but I'm willing to try."

"You're not trying, Sameen. Don't you fucking lie to me."

"Yes, I am!" Her voice raised a tone when her frustration grew, but she realized her mistake and quickly took a deep breath to calm down. She finally turned around but didn't get closer to Root, choosing to lean against the grid and cross her arms on her chest.

"How? By dismissing anything I say, do, think and feel?" Root wondered with a scowl. "I ordered pizza so we could eat while cuddling on the couch. I didn't ask you to put on a dress so we could go to some fancy-ass restaurant where we could hold hands all night. And you didn't even let me finish talking before you were dismissing the whole thing like I had offended you with the mere offer of food and movies." For someone who didn't particularly enjoy being pointed out as the wrong one, Shaw made a good job not to make things worse by denying any of that. "Do you have a problem with people touching you? Because, if you do, you need to tell me now so I can start planning things that don't involve that."

"Yes," Shaw instantly replied.

Root's mouth hangs open for a couple of seconds before she slowly leaned over to place her laptop on the old armchair located beside her. "Okay, good to know."

The marine shook her head with a frown. "No, Root, I- I don't like other people touching me. Not you." She pushed a hand through her hair and sighed. "It doesn't mean we will become Siamese twins or anything," she added quickly.

"So why is it so bad for me to want to celebrate our anniversary with you?" This time Root was almost whining as she begged for an answer, looking at Shaw with expectant bright eyes.

The Persian woman sighed before replying with a tired voice: "We don't have an anniversary, Root."

"Why not? What do you think I'm doing here, Sameen?"

"I just- we're not- we..."

"We what? Aren't a couple?" The hacker arched her eyebrows at her, almost daring the woman to finish her sentence. "Have you slept with anyone else in the last year?"

"No," the answer came so fast that it would have been cute if they weren't in the middle of a fight.

"Neither have I," furrowing her brows, Root sighed and took a step forward. Suddenly she looked less angry and more determined, not that it made Shaw any less nervous. "I also haven't bought pizza to share with anyone else or choose a movie to watch while cuddling. We also live together, in case you haven't noticed that either." A teasing. That was a tease. Root was teasing her again.

"That's not what I said," whispered the other woman between greeted teeth.

"So explain to me, Sameen, because I can't keep guessing what you want!"

Well, that's the million dollars question, isn't it? She's not even sure she knows what she wants either.

She knows she wants to keep chasing people and shooting kneecaps. She knows she wants to watch the cooking show on television to laugh and the Superbowl because she has to root for the team Fusco wants to lose. She wants to walk in the park with Bear at least once a day and she wants that dog to stay safe because he's the only of them who's still sane. And she wants to eat pizza. Sometimes she wants to eat pizza alone, in silence, watching the cooking show. Sometimes she wants to eat pizza with Root, watching the cooking show, while she makes stupid little funny comments to try to make her laugh.

"There will come a day, Root, when you will want more," Shaw started after taking a deep breath. She avoided looking at the other woman, choosing to stare at the dirty building wall instead. "Things I can't give you. Things like marriage, and a big house with a white fence and crying babies, and I can't give you any of that." A sigh, heavy and almost sad. "First of all because we don't live normal lives, but also because I **can't** give you that. I can give you a shitty apartment, the acknowledge that I don't hate you and a dog that isn't even mine."

At that, Root's whole body lost its anger. Her shoulders dropped and her face softened. For a second, a scary second, Shaw thought it was her defeat, that she was truly disappointed with what she had just told, but then she risked a glance at her and saw nothing but determination and certain. "That's all I need, Sameen. I need you to love me the way you can. I'm not a teenager with a crush, I'm very aware of our situation here. I know I can't expect you to want any of that, but the thing is, sweetie, I don't want any of that either."

"Now. You don't want it now." The correction sound too bitter even to her ears and Shaw had to swallow hard before her next words. "You will, someday, because you're normal, Root. A little crazy, but normal."

"Not everybody wants it. I don't. And let's suppose you're right and I wake up one day with baby fever as you said, we don't live a life where that could be an option."

"Maybe with someone else."

The hacker shook her head so fast that her hair flew around her face. "Maybe if I born again and decide to work in an office as the best IT girl any company ever saw. Maybe if I never shot a person in my life and maybe if I didn't have an artificial intelligence device install in my head. But I'm not unhappy with this life either. I met you, didn't I?"

"How romantic," with an eye roll, Shaw scoffed. She was glad there were no lamps behind their building so Root couldn't see she was blushing.

"Sue me." Root had a megawatt smile that the marine could identify by her voice, not even needing to look at her again.

Shaw sighed, kinda sad and lost, and they fell in silence. It wasn't uncomfortable, but it wasn't like when they lied together in bed before getting up in the morning, either. It was the type of silence that told you there were still too many things to talk about and that no one knew how or where to start with. So, before it got too heavy or Root decided to say something she wasn't ready to hear, Shaw decided to start sharing some pieces of information.

"Don't you wonder how different things could be if we met before all of that?"

"What do you mean? Before we start shooting people?" Root frowned, confused, as she leaned against the old door that leads to the balcony. It was so small that her whole body was almost enough to cover all of it.

"Yeah," replied Shaw with a nod.

"Not really. Why? Have you?"

Another nod. "While I was with Samaritan. There wasn't much more for me to do and it helped when they started torturing me to think about something else," she confessed with a shrug.

"What have you pictured for us?" Root asked with a smile. It was small and sweet, and her voice was patient enough for Shaw to understand that she didn't have to answer that if she didn't want to.

For some reason, she did. "We could have met in college," she started. "You would be doing some nerd degree involving computers while I was in med school. Maybe they would allow me to become a doctor then, maybe you wouldn't start hacking." That draws a giggle from Root because hacking had been her life since she could remember, but she didn't stop Shaw from talking. "We could also have met when I joined the marines. Can you picture it?" Suddenly her voice gained a dreamy undertone and she finally turned her eyes to look at Root, but the other woman doubted she was even seeing her there, almost like she was watching what she was describing playing right in front of her. "We, meeting at some bar, with only a day left before I had to go back to the sea. It could even have been so different if we have met before I joined ISA or like a week into it."

"But we didn't," Root said after a minute of silence, softly and carefully.

"No, we didn't." Shaw shook her head, sighed and looked away again, this time to her own feet.

After another pause, Root smiled again. "I don't think you would be that attracted for me back then, for what is worth it. I wasn't that good with a gun."

"Did you knew how to use an iron?" Root giggled at that, causing Shaw to smile too. "Works for me." She shrugged and looked up. Back at Root, finally. "You want to say something, so just say it."

The hacker smiled at her, uncrossed her arms and went for it. "I'm not good at talking about my feelings either, Sameen. I'm not going to pretend I'm, that would be at least hypocritical." Talking about feelings wasn't their thing, it was pretty clear since the start. Of course, Root would flirt non stop and make more than just suggestive comments over and over, but she wasn't the sappy kind either. Shaw's ways don't need to be told.

"I wasn't mad because you didn't remember our anniversary or because you didn't want to celebrate it," she continued. "I was mad because you acted like I was stupid for doing so. I try so hard to understand you and all I'm asking in return is the same treatment."

"I'm a sociopath, Root." Shaw sighed tiredly. "Those things don't come easily for me. Those things don't come for me at all. I'm not one of your computers that you can program to act the way you want."

"I'm not asking you to try to be someone you're not," as gentle as she could manage, Root slipped closer and placed a palm on Shaw's forearm. She tilted her head down to catch the woman's eyes and offered her a loving smile. "I'm just asking you to try to understand how much I care. Try to understand that it might mean nothing to you, but it means something for me. I'm not asking for you to be home for dinner every night or to call me in the middle of the day to ask me how I'm feeling. I'm asking you to understand that I might want to have dinner with you one day and that I might want to call you and ask how you doing."

Always calm, Root finished her little speech by squeezing the smaller woman's arm. Then, she placed her other hand on her shoulder, ignoring Shaw's light glare.

"Sameen... I never said it out loud, and I guess you already know it, but I love you." Shaw growled and her head dropped down, but it only caused Root to chuckle. "And it can come as a shock, but I didn't fall in love with you because you're a ray of sunshine. I fell in love with you because you bring sunshine into my life, even without trying. So I'm fine with you being exactly who you are. You make me happy, you know? Don't make me that face, it's true." She poked Shaw's ribs, but the woman didn't even flinch at that. "You have a unique way and it took me a while to crack you down, but every time you're around me I just... I just light up. I can't explain why things just are sometimes." With a final shrug, Root leaned over.

For an instant, Shaw thought she was going to hug her. Instead, in the last second, she spun around so she could lean on the grid beside her. They mirrored each other, palms resting on the grid, staring inside their apartment from where a dim light illuminated both of them.

"There aren't many things that can scare me, you know," started Shaw after a minute or so. "I don't feel many things and fear is definitely not one of those things, but sometimes I wonder... sometimes I get scared of myself."

Root looked at her sideways, not concerned or curious, just listening to whatever piece of information Shaw was willing to share about herself. She was always eager to hear about those.

"It's so easy for me to shoot kneecaps, break people's noses and push them out of buildings. I don't feel bad when I do it. I'm not saying I feel good either, but I don't feel bad at all. There's something wrong with me, Root, I know that." The Persian sighed, shook her head and crossed her arms again, starting to get a little restless. "And I get scared that... that someday I'm going to hurt you too. And I'm not talking only physically, because I know you could kick my ass, but I can't be the person you want me to be. The person you need me to be. I'm afraid that I will say something one day, or not say something, and it will make you sad. I don't want you to be sad. Pissed off? Sure, I try to do it every day, but not sad. Or disappointed. I don't want you to get disappointed at me either. And I don't want to break your heart, but I have no idea how not to do it. I did it today and I didn't want to, but I just... I don't understand, Root."

"This thing I feel for you is probably the closest I ever will feel of love," she confessed quietly into the night. Her voice was low and gentle, not something Root was used to hear from her.

"So can you finally admit we're a couple and that we're celebrating our anniversary?" The hacker teased after a tense minute of silence. She wasn't good with serious feelings talks. They had both said what they wanted to say. They both understood the other one better. They were ready to try again. They were willing to try for each other.

"Yes, as much as I don't get the hype of all this," Shaw rolled her eyes and watched as Root pushed herself from the grid, ignoring how it made a sick noise with the sudden move.

She started walking back inside the apartment. "And can you call me your girlfriend now?" Root shouted over her shoulder with a smile.

"Don't push it, Root," Shaw grumbled under her breath and started to get ready to walk inside too, only to stop when she noticed that Root had returned.

The hacker was holding something on her hands and she had a sick smile on her face, the one that made Shaw know instantly that she was about to do something that would piss her off. "Do you want to try and say that again?" Root teased while shaking the small red fire extinguisher with one hand. Her smile was getting bigger and bigger.

With her heart beating fast on her chest, Shaw turned her body so she was sideways to the hacker and raised one hand towards her. "Don't."

"Really?"

"Really. Don't." Shaw pointed a finger at her and raised an eyebrow.

"Don't do it? I shouldn't do it," Root continued as she removed the safety pin. "It's wrong. It's completely irresponsible..." She interrupted herself as a white cloud of powder hit Shaw right in the face.

The marine screamed her protests before she started coughing helplessly. Laughing, Root put the fire extinguisher down by the door and walked back inside the apartment. "Whenever you're ready to go back inside, sweetie!"


End file.
